Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
