So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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