i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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