i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
