I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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