When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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