Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
