he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what day is it and did you see me today?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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