Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'