you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.