Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.