the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
