i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
