Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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