I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
