I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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