You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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