I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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