Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
