someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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