Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
your room smells of hookers.
And success
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
