when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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