There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
