guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
