i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What a dumb baby whore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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