I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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