I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize