also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
