Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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