At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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