yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
