I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
