textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
