just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
