Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
