So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
