I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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