my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
