He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
