My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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