What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
