im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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