Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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