Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
