Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
