Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
