Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
