the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
