There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
