dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
