let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
