Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
