Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
