He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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