my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
