Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
