I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
